Kyla McCullough

Thursday, November 19, 2009

November 22, 1997

Depression is at it's all time high. Not sure why this year is any different from all the other years I've missed Kyla's birthday. I miss her no less, I ache for her just the same, and the pain is still as fresh as the day she left. I'm not sure why my stomach is so upset that I could get sick, not sure why this feeling wont subside for just a moment.... long enough for me to breathe. The tears wont go away, the exhaustion is fierce with my loss of appetite in full affect. Yes, this year is different.

Kyla would be turning 12 on Sunday. She would be 12!! Although she is not here with me, I still feel like a mother of three with a 12 year old, 8 year old, and 5 year old. I am a mother of a sixth grader, third grader, and a kindergartner. I can't seem to get past the fact that my door wont open and have Kyla on the other side. Some people may feel as if I'm going insane, I'm freaking out, why can't I get past it? Will my life always hold this much pain, will I always have this black cloud over me that allows the sun to only beam through every now and again? I am trying to allow myself this week of insanity, allow it to pass through and not stop it. I in no means want pity, never have.... it's just really really hard.

I can see her in my mind and when I do... I see her taller, with longer hair, tan skinned, and beautiful as ever. She is accomplishing all she is supposed to and is helping others around her succeed as she is. Kyla is loving her grandparents, cousins, and friends. She is making her Great Grandpa Rudy play through the forest instead of cutting it down. :) She is playing sports and is waiting for Kora to come so she can pass her the ball; Kyla is dancing and can't wait to bust a move with Bree. I see her playing instruments but her favorite are the drums and is wondering when dad can sit next to her and rock out with her..... and she is saving her favorite book to read to her mom, the moment she arrives. But most of all, I see her eating lunch, with the biggest lion in Heaven!

When she was here with me, she was not only my daughter but my friend who knew me well. I knew what to expect with her and she knew of me. Her and I worked like clock work, she taught me and I taught her. I think that happens when a person has children so young, you grow up together. She drove me nuts but I'm pretty sure I did the same to her. :) Kyla always knew what she wanted, and never allowed anyone to tell her different, although some tried. Some just didn't get who Kyla was. But those who were lucky enough to see her and understand who she was and what she represented..... they couldn't help but love her.

November 22, 1997..... was the day my life changed for the better, it was the day that my eyes truly opened for the first time in my life. And I truly feel blessed to have been there when she arrived into this world, and to have been there when she left it.... what an honor.

Happy birthday Big K.... thinking of you always with every breath I take. Have a wonderful 12th birthday.... and expect more balloons soon, that closet must be getting pretty full! I love you.