Kyla McCullough

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Why Can't I Have My Cake and Eat it Too?

So today I had to go to the doctors office. I got eaten alive by a bug while sleeping and it's been four days of itching and scratching hell. What made me go to the doctor is the fact that I have gotten such an allergic reaction to the bites that one of my lymph nodes has swollen and the bottom of my head hurts if you touch it. This however, has nothing to do with what I want to say... I guess I'm just setting the "mood" for you.

I was on my way to the appointment when I realized I had to call Kim, my cousins other half (not better half just other half) and let her know that I would not be able to make it to Grease tonight... my schedule wouldn't allow it. I had a good conversation with her, as always. After I got off the phone with her, I turned up the music while my car drove along the freeway. The song "Beautiful" by Akon was the next song to play on my iPod. I start to sing the words and for some reason Kyla comes in my head. I start thinking about how much I miss her. I start thinking about how beautiful SHE is and wonder if she knows how much I miss her. I slowly turn my head to the right... when I do that I imagine myself kissing Kyla on the neck right behind the ear. That was my favorite spot to kiss her... if you think about it, for those who have children... that is the one spot that you can both feel the softness of their skin as well as smell the scent of their hair. The two together can be such a relaxing experience, even if it only lasts a few seconds.

So since I just got off the phone with Kim, my thoughts turn towards her and my cousin, Samantha. I start thinking about how close my family and theirs have gotten in the last... gosh... year is all. I mean, Samantha is about ten years older then I am, we never really even talked while growing up. Not only was she off to college before I was in middle school, but when she did come around we just never had anything to say to each other. Even as we were both adults we never really talked at family events, even though now looking back on our lives, we would have had a lot to talk about. I guess she just had her life and I had mine. Neither of us took time to break down the wall or even try to peek over it.

I started thinking about the fact that when Kyla got sick it was the first time I saw Samantha and Kim's kindness, in it's entirety. It was the first time I gave them a hug and felt a connection with them. They never skipped a beat with this little girl in a hospital bed, who was trying to fight for her life. They were the ones who gave her the pink hippo, which became a buddy of Kyla's, she rarely let go of Gloria. Looking back at everything I think if we would have let them, they would have done much more for our family.

So this is where my thoughts brought me... if Kyla didn't get sick, I may have never gotten to know Samantha and her wonderful family. I feel so lucky to have found this new relationship with my family, whom I've not had one my whole life. But here's my question... why couldn't I have had my cake and eat it too? Why couldn't I have been allowed to have my daughter, and still have this great relationship with my extended family? It's a very hard thing to think about... do you understand what I'm saying? I truly wish that, not only Samantha and her family could have known Kyla better, but any one who didn't get the chance to sit down with her and have a conversation. I know Kyla would have loved her second cousin and her family... I just wish things could be different.

I know I am not the only one in their life who wonders why some can't have their cake and eat it too.... but for me... right now... that is my biggest wonder.