Kyla McCullough

Monday, January 26, 2009

Inside a Conversation Between a Mother and her Daughter.

On my way home from Kora's basketball practice tonight Bree and I start a conversation. It was my attempt to keep her awake until we got home. Here is how the conversation went.

Bree: "Hey mommy, where does Grandpa Rudy live, does he live in Idaho?"
Mommy: "No that is Grandpa ROYCE."
Bree: "No, no not Grandpa Royce, Grandpa Rudy where does he live?"
Mommy: "Oh, well Grandpa Rudy is in Heaven."
Bree: "What about Grandma Rose?"
Mommy: "Well, she is in Heaven too."
Bree: "Kyla is in Heaven."
Mommy: "That's right, Kyla is in Heaven as well."
Bree: "I think Kyla needs to come home to us because she has been away for a long time and she needs to be here. I want to give her a big hug and lots of kisses."
Mommy: "Me too, Bree."
Bree: "Or I could go to Heaven and see her."
Mommy: "Well, I hope you don't go there anytime soon, I would miss you terribly."
Bree: "I would miss you too mommy... and I miss Kyla."
Bree: "She's my sister and I love her, and you miss her, and we want to see her."
Mommy: "That's about it isn't it... good job Bree... good job."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Stride in Stride

Well it's official, Bret and I have hit a fork in the road while on our journey along the dark grieving road. How is one able to move on when the person who they love the most is dragging behind with his heels planted? How is it supposed to give either one of us comfort if one is ahead of the other? How can we converse with one another, without feelings being hurt? Without the intent of cruelty but being cruel, without the intent of impatient behavior yet being impatient, without the ability to understand... we get nowhere. Is it possible to have one move forward and one stay behind and still manage peace within ourselves? Bret and I have always been hand in hand, the left feet and the right feet moved at the same pace, never tripping one another.

Which is right, or which is wrong... is it impossible to categorize one of us, or both of us? How is this supposed to work? How can we make this work? Every book that I have ever read always explains that this process hits everyone differently. It is never the same for two people, but what I have always disagreed with... is just that. Bret and I have always been the same until now. Now, is when I understand what the books are saying, I understand how hurt can occur on one of us if the grief is not the same. He cannot understand how I can step ahead, when I cannot understand why he is so behind. One is not better than the other... just different.

I am ready and willing to take a step ahead, I have been talking a lot with both God and Kyla. I wake talking with them, and I close my eyes at night talking with them. I feel God more now, then I have since Kyla got sick. I see her smile, and I hear her laugh when the house is quiet. I have this gut feeling that Kyla is around me, I have her close. With those feelings comes extreme sadness. I have memories that surface more often, I have a hard time looking at her photo... not sure why. I cannot tell a story of her without tears clouding my vision, and I cannot smell her hair anymore when I hold her blanket. I am realizing I am in a transitional stage... I am at the point of wanting to put her things away because I see them getting worn from the years that are passing us by. I see the colors fading and I see the things on her walls slowly falling down. I want to put those items in a safe and protected place. I want to keep them "fresh" just like the day Kyla brought them home from school. That is not going to happen if we keep them out, those blankets will stain, those paintings will crack, the glue will lose it's stick, and the papers will weaken. I am ready to take a step forward.

Bret on the other hand is putting his heels down in the concrete and with all his might, keeping them pushed down. He doesn't want to put those items away in fear that once they are gone... that's it. We can never replace those painting, blankets, etc. once we put them away. He feels that she deserves a room dedicated to her. Bret wants things to stay as they are, to keep things the same. He has never liked change, never has appreciated one changing things from the way it was before. "Why the need for change?" I like that quality in him, Kyla had the same one. I think Bret feels that if he can still see Kyla's things on the walls or lying on her bed, then she is still here. That she is still a part of the family... a part of the house. He also expects those things to fade, crack, rip after all... it has been four years and that's what happens with all things over time.

Bret and I will make it through this... we always do. I will start to understand him, and he will understand me. We will find a middle ground, and once we get there, we'll both stand on it together hand in hand. We will walk stride in stride, all the while, missing our dearest and sweetest Kyla- Eliza.