Kyla McCullough

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Happy 11th Birthday Kyla!

Ah... another year of celebrating her birthday without her here. Our family doesn't know if we should laugh or cry. We don't know if we should go out and have fun or if we should stay in our home and sit. I woke up this morning saying happy birthday to her and wondering if she got that morning toast with a candle in it for her first birthday wish of the day. I wondered if my grandparents are planning a birthday party for her at the local skating rink, or at the amusement park that is around the corner. And while they set everything up, Bret's grandparents are keeping her busy... making clay, doing an art project, watching a movie with her. After a few hours Kyla arrives at her party only to find a ton of friends and family gathering around her cheering "Happy Birthday Kyla!" She looks around to see the matching plates, with the matching cups, and napkins.... while we provide the balloons. :)

The night that she was born people gathered around the room and looked down at this miracle that has just been presented to us. Bret was holding Kyla in his arms, never taking his eyes off of her. He lifted her in the air and said to everyone, "I would like you to meet Kyla-Elizabeth McCullough!" The emotions that night were overwhelming in so many ways... from that moment we knew she was destined to be something great.


Dear Kyla,
The emotion I am feeling today is something I cannot explain, I miss you so much sweetie. I want you to know that Daddy, Kora, Bree, and I are all wishing you a very happy birthday. I always made a few wishes of my own on your birthday, for you to grow knowing God and feel His blessings all of your days and for you to feel loved by us and know we are always here for you no matter what. I believe my wishes have come true and I am thankful for that. You are such a blessing and I realize you are a gift that I was able to have with me to help teach me some things. I grew up with you, Kyla... you and I were just kids but somehow we taught each other things every day. I thank you for not only being my daughter but being a great friend to grow up with. You made me a good mom, I couldn't have done it without you. Sometimes I wonder what kind of mom I would be if you were still here teaching me more things. We were a good team, and I am positive we still would have been. Have a wonderful day, we love you!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Who Knew

As you all are probably aware of, I am in the third year of losing Kyla. It is by far the hardest year and I am constantly struggling with how to present myself. The lyrics below sum up what I am and have been feeling... I think they are beautiful. If you don't know the song I suggest you listen to it with your eyes closed so you can hear what she is singing about and feel the energy she is passing along. It is a song that has taken me through the last few days.

You took my hand you showed me how. You promised me you'd be around, that's right. I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me, that's right. If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out, cause they're all wrong. I know better cause you said forever and ever... who knew.

Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool. Oh no, no, no. I wish I could touch you again. I wish I could still call you friend... I'd give anything.

When someone said count your blessings now, 'fore they're long gone. I guess I just didn't know how, I was all wrong. They knew better, still you said forever and ever... who knew.

I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again. Until we meet again and I wont forget you my friend. What happened?

If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out, cause they're all wrong. That last kiss I'll cherish, until we meet again. And time makes it harder I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep.

My darling
Who knew

Who Knew Lyrics by Pink

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Always Knew You Could Do It

Ok... I have been in a terrible funk for about a week, but heavily since last Friday. If you think about it, last Friday was Halloween, which is the fall's first holiday. It's the first holiday that reminds me, once again, that Kyla's not here. The weekend was tough, and now that Monday has come and is almost gone, I am left feeling the same.... empty.

The third year of Kyla's passing has been very interesting. I have felt more sorrow in this year then the past two years combined. I have cried more, slept more, eaten less, and been more depressed then I ever thought I would. The amount of sadness that I endure in one week is, what I imagine, more then someone would endure in a whole year. I have a weight on my shoulders that overcomes my entire being. I sometimes struggle for breath, and I rarely have motivation. Sure I have moments when it all subsides and I can find some kind of smile or relief, but it makes me wonder how much more I can take.

Kora (younger)

I wonder too, if this year has been harder then all the rest because Kora is now in the second grade... a place in which Kyla never got to. As the years went on after her passing we were playing "catch up" in a way. Kora was in kindergarten, a year we knew what to expect... the same was with first grade. Kora had the same teacher Kyla had in first grade, and did the same things that Kyla did at that age. But this year... this year is new territory, and I have to say it feels all wrong. Kora is the second child in our family so it doesn't seem like she should be blazing the trail. All her life, up till now, she has played the roll of the middle child. We have not had to look at her as the oldest, and although we still don't, it's getting harder and harder not to see her as just that. Kora is maturing in a way Kyla never did, and I can not explain how much it hurts to stand aside and watch it happen.

Kora (now)

I keep in mind that Kyla is looking down on us and making sure we are all okay. She is watching Kora just as much as I am and cheering loudly for her, "You go Kora! I always knew you could do it!" And then looking at me with a soft hand on the shoulder or maybe even an arm around my back saying, "I know mom... but I'm still here waiting for you... I love ya."