Kyla McCullough

Monday, July 28, 2008

Just Breathe

Really? Honestly? Has it really been that long since we've last written? Is there anyone out there anymore, or has our lack of updating lost most of you? Well, I am officially starting this up again, I hope to do it at least once a month if not more. I think I have always tried to write something about Kyla, seeing that this is Kyla's web site, and although I will still write about her, this will become more like a diary. Now that could be a good thing, or it could be a disaster... I mean a diary is usually something that is private and full of secrets. If you know me at all you know that I am not one of those people who lay my stuff out on the table. I am very closed, and if you want to know anything about me maybe I'll tell you in about a year or two after knowing you.

Being Kyla's mom is something that I am very proud of... I actually still feel as if I am a mother of a ten year old who is going into the fifth grade. I am a mom of a daughter who is responsible and who, for the most part, does what I ask of her. My oldest daughter looks after her family, makes sure her sisters are happy, and shows us the way by inadvertently pushing us to the left or right. As time goes by I feel Kyla less and less, you have no idea how that saddens me! I can't remember the last time I dreamt of her, or felt her in a room with me. I look at her and she is looking more and more like a baby. When she got sick at the time she was three and a half years older then Kora and six years older then Bree... she was definitely the older daughter. Now that Kora is getting bigger, she is now seven, and Bree four, it has made me realize that Kyla was just a kid. I always knew she was just a kid, I guess I'm not making myself clear. When Kyla got sick she seemed older then ME... she seemed stronger, smarter, more forgiving, and loving. Now that I am able to see with clearer glasses I see how amazing that is. It doesn't seem possible.

So, as I mentioned Kora is seven and Bree is four. They are the ages Kyla was when she went to Heaven, and Kora was four when Bret and I had to sit her down and tell her that her sister will not be coming home to play with her anymore. Bree talks about Kyla all the time and how she has gone to Heaven. She talks about Kyla's bed, and if she has any dogs. Kora and Bree are happy that Kyla may be taking care of a dog, Moxee. Kora said to me, "Ya know she needs to have a dog, so it makes me happy that she may be taking care of Moxee." (Moxee is a family members dog who got sick earlier this year and passed away.)

Bree with Kyla's Photo

The other day in the car, Bree was talking about my grandma, her great-grandma Rose... she talks about great-grandma Rose very often, at least three times a day. We were in the car when Bree says, "Mom does grandma Rose have a room in Heaven?" I said, "Well, yeah... I think she does. Do you?" Then she says, "Yeah. Do you think Kyla has sleepovers with her?" I laughed, "Yeah, I think they have sleepovers!" That's when Kora says, "Well, how can Kyla have a sleepover if she died? Oh wait I know, it's because when you die you go to Heaven and Heaven is a great place, right?" Bree yells, "NO KORA! KYLA DIDN'T DIE!! SHE IS IN HEAVEN! SHE NOT DEAD! SHE NOT DEAD, DON'T SAY THAT! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?" Kora's eyes got really big and worried, she didn't know what to say and that's when I realized that Bree has no concept of what happened to her biggest sis, or why she is in Heaven. Bree probably thinks that Kyla got on a plane and flew to "Heaven" and will be coming back some day. Then I was thinking how in the hell did Kora get that concept? How did Kora sit on her bed, at the age of four, and listen to what Bret and I said to her about her sister and understand? It blows me away and I really feel that it was in God's hands and He gave her the knowledge and the ability to digest it the way it was.

I hope you will like the new entries, I hope to be a bit more raw... I guess it's just more real.

Just Breathe