Kyla McCullough

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Always Knew You Could Do It

Ok... I have been in a terrible funk for about a week, but heavily since last Friday. If you think about it, last Friday was Halloween, which is the fall's first holiday. It's the first holiday that reminds me, once again, that Kyla's not here. The weekend was tough, and now that Monday has come and is almost gone, I am left feeling the same.... empty.

The third year of Kyla's passing has been very interesting. I have felt more sorrow in this year then the past two years combined. I have cried more, slept more, eaten less, and been more depressed then I ever thought I would. The amount of sadness that I endure in one week is, what I imagine, more then someone would endure in a whole year. I have a weight on my shoulders that overcomes my entire being. I sometimes struggle for breath, and I rarely have motivation. Sure I have moments when it all subsides and I can find some kind of smile or relief, but it makes me wonder how much more I can take.

Kora (younger)

I wonder too, if this year has been harder then all the rest because Kora is now in the second grade... a place in which Kyla never got to. As the years went on after her passing we were playing "catch up" in a way. Kora was in kindergarten, a year we knew what to expect... the same was with first grade. Kora had the same teacher Kyla had in first grade, and did the same things that Kyla did at that age. But this year... this year is new territory, and I have to say it feels all wrong. Kora is the second child in our family so it doesn't seem like she should be blazing the trail. All her life, up till now, she has played the roll of the middle child. We have not had to look at her as the oldest, and although we still don't, it's getting harder and harder not to see her as just that. Kora is maturing in a way Kyla never did, and I can not explain how much it hurts to stand aside and watch it happen.

Kora (now)

I keep in mind that Kyla is looking down on us and making sure we are all okay. She is watching Kora just as much as I am and cheering loudly for her, "You go Kora! I always knew you could do it!" And then looking at me with a soft hand on the shoulder or maybe even an arm around my back saying, "I know mom... but I'm still here waiting for you... I love ya."


At November 4, 2008 8:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

We Love you too!!!
The Freimarks


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