Kyla McCullough

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Birthday Kyla!

Happy Birthday Kyla! Wow you are turning ten, double digits, that's a big deal. Sweetie, you are heavy in my thoughts tonight as tomorrow brings us your birthday. I cannot help but wonder how you will be celebrating it in Heaven. I'm sure those around you make the day special for you, as daddy and I did while you were with us. November 22, 1997 was the day that God had chosen for you to come into this world and bless those around you.

So many things to say, and to catch up on, although I feel as if you know exactly what we are doing... it's you who needs to catch me up on things. I feel like I have so much to say, but I really just want to hold you. That is my strongest desire in my life and the thing I miss most, being able to touch you. Smell your hair, hold your hand, watch you as you make your bed or write your notes. It's the everyday things I miss the most, which is something I regret taking advantage of when you were here with me. Watching you slide down the stairs on your tummy, hearing you scream in delight as daddy sits on you during one of your wrestling matches, or seeing you sit with your sisters reading them one of your favorite books.

I spent some time in your room tonight, had a chat with you, and shed some tears. I looked at your clothes, laying neatly folded in their drawers, and your shoes that are lined perfectly along your shoe shelf in your closet. I smelled your white blankie and ran my hands along your bed. I read some of your letters, and enjoyed studying your art work. You have such a good sense of color, very vibrant.

Your sisters are doing great! Kora is making a lot of friends and is enjoying Mrs. Gillette, just as you did. Kora is reading really well, and is learning how to do math... you would be proud of her and I know you would help her with her homework. Kora cries at times for you and feels emotions we don't know she feels. I think she misses you just as much as we do but for different reasons, you are her big sister and nothing can fill that. She loves you dearly and I hope you can hear her when she talks to you at night, as that is the only thing that comforts her on those sleepless nights.

Bree...Bree is just like you in many ways. She is very bossy, headstrong, warm hearted and very funny. I'm not sure how you and her would get along, you are both so similar. Although she would adore you as her biggest sis, and she would do anything you would ask of her. She is learning all about you and can now point you out in photos and say your name. It brings me joy to have her learn about you and how cool you are.

Daddy always reminds me all the time of your code you had with each other, "One, Two, Three...Go!" He misses you so much he can't grasp the fact to talk about it or make me think his guard is down. He thinks of you more than I know, and I hope you realize that he has always loved you and is very proud of you! Daddy talks to you often, as well, and can't wait to see you again.

Keep visiting me in my sleep, I always look forward to the next time we will meet. I think it's quite funny how I always feel as if I am disturbing you in some way. When I am able to see you it seems like you are doing just fine and are very busy, but you will take time out for me and give me a bit of you for the night. I thank you for that.

Happy Birthday Kyla, I love you and miss you!
All My Love- Mommy

Friday, November 16, 2007

Kyla... A Great Little Girl

Whew! Right now, at this moment, I do not feel weighted down, or confused as to how I can live the way I do, with this terrible feeling that is left inside me. So I thought I would write. I just got off the phone with my mom, who God bless her, makes me laugh all the time. She is crazy, loud, and stubborn. My mom is someone who has the biggest, warmest heart you will ever find in a person...until you cross her negatively...then she is done with you just as quickly as she gives a smile. But she will give a person many chances to repair the relationship, until one day she decides she has had enough. She is strong... not in the physical sense, but she has this armour on her that is only visible when she is protecting a loved one. She will be the first to stand up and fight, and tell you what is needed in a situation. Her kindness is so overwhelming sometimes... it can almost be too much until you realize one day that kindness wont be around forever. And it will be missed when it's gone. So enjoy it while you can. Yes, my mother... she is a person you need to know and if you don't then get to know her because she is wonderful.

I look at myself and feel that I have a lot of those qualities, she has done her job as a mother... given her strengths as a woman to her daughter. I am not, however, so stubborn or as loud. That is when my dad's personality comes in to play. But my mom, has taught me to be strong, to be in a situation and if I'm not comfortable then I will speak up. I am not afraid to challenge a person, and I always protect those who are close to me. If someone hurts me then I am done with them also and it takes a long time for that respect to come back, if ever. But I am kind, I will do anything to help a friend, and I am always happy for those who come into good fortune in their life.

I now look at Kyla... oh my goodness... Kyla. She was better then both my mom and I put together. Her heart was bigger then ours, she had the calming spirit, she was very stubborn, and had that kind of nurturing about her that made her everyone's mom and teacher. She loved everyone, she would make a friend and that was it for her... she would make sure they were okay before anyone else. She has a best friend, McKenna, and Kyla always made sure she didn't have too much to drink after 7pm on a sleepover. Kyla would make sure McKenna knew how to spell the words on her art work they would do over here, and she never let McKenna get into trouble even if it meant she kicked her out of the house so she wouldn't get home late. (Giggle) Yes, she protected those around her. Although she never got into to many fights with anyone her own age, she did get into trouble a few times with some adults. Remember, Kyla was very stubborn and she had this quality of always making that shine no matter who was around to see it. It was something that was very difficult to parent, but as I look back on it now, I laugh because I absolutely would not want it any other way. It is who she is and I love it! Kyla never understood the distance around her and others when it came to her stubbornness, she would always talk to me about it. But instead of doing what her grandma, and her mom do, which is write them off...she prayed for them. She would ask God to help them, and then she would rest easy knowing they will come around eventually. Kyla... a great little girl.

I sit here thinking if she were here she would have become something great... some people are born to have the cards in their favor, she was one of those people. But you know what? She did end up doing something great. At the age of 7, she had done more in her life then many of us. We go through life thinking we have hardships but if you look closer you will see the greater picture. Kyla's ripple is growing...and Bret and I would like to see her ripple touch as many people as it can.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Today is a Hard Day

Bret and I just came back from Idaho. Boise State to be exact... visiting Bret's brother Joey. We had a great time, we saw Joey's room, watched a football game, had dinner with him and shared in a lot of laughs. Bret and I had a wonderful time seeing him and wished he was closer to us so we could see him more. Bret and I wish we could see all his brothers and sisters more, seeing they live in Idaho and can only see them every now and again.

I'm not sure if anyone has made the trip by car from Boise to Portland, but it is very "ugly" at least that is how Bret and I see it. Very dry ground, no water to look at, and we always think its the same sight for six hours. It's not until we get to John Day that things really start looking beautiful. Bret is driving and it's a really good time to talk to each other. We talked about many many things: our businesses, our family, our friends, our kids, our schedules, the holidays coming up and so forth. We were about three hours away from home when Bret used the word, "Miss." All the other words that came out of his mouth sounded like a blur and for some reason I start to tear up. I close my eyes, for some reason I thought that would work. I'm not sure why I didn't want to cry, I guess I knew I had three hours left in this drive of ours and I just didn't want to fill up the time being upset. It worked, closing my eyes, but because I didn't cry right then and there I have been upset ever since.

That is how it is for me... one word that a person can say brings me into a dark cloud. Missing Kyla is extreme when the feeling comes back around. I miss Kyla every day, but I can breath through it... I can remember her and not break down... it is possible. But today, I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't get rid of. I can't concentrate on anything and, this may sound silly but, my vision is cloudy. I literally can not focus on what is in front of me. I'm not sure how that happens but it does.

One word, that's all it takes, one word and my world is completely different. I try to look at her photos, I try to talk to her, I try to think of other things, but nothing works. Today is a hard day... I can't breath through this one...