A Day That I Will Never Forget
Forever a day etched in my mind. I do not remember much about Kyla's illness, as in a detailed list of the every day life we had with her throughout the sickness. I do, however, remember this day very well. I woke up from a very bad dream with Kyla tapping my shoulder, once again complaining of her headache that she just can't seem to shake. I get up from my bed a little alarmed, so much so, that I call the doctor
right away. The last time I called about her headaches I was told to feed her more and make sure she takes in enough iron...this time I was determined for her to be seen. Her normal doctor, Dr. Barsotti, was not in so she had to see Dr. Hamel. I didn't really care who she saw at this point, I just wanted her seen. Her appointment was late enough in the day that I could still get my brakes fixed on the car, and make it for her softball game that started at 6:30pm. As my dad and I were driving back to my parents house after dropping the car off my mom called me; she was watching the girls for me. She told me Kyla needed to be seen sooner then 1pm, "Honey, I think you need to take her right now." I get off the phone and call the doctor's office right away and demand for her to be seen, they were great and got her in as soon as I could get her there. On my way I called Bret from my mom's car and let him know we were going in now.... he was gone from his office before we hung up the phone.
As we were in the little 4x6 room at the pediatricians office I looked at Bret who had fear in his eyes. Dr. Hamel had Kyla do a lot of tests..."Can you close your eyes and touch your nose? How about lifting your arms in the air?" She could do none of these things with her left side, but he told her she did great as he passed on a referral for us to go to Emanuel right away to get an MRI. When I wanted more answers from him all he could say is, "Go and get more tests done and then you will know more." Kyla wanted to ride with Bret in his truck, as I followed to Emanuel Children's Hospital. I carried Kyla for as long as I could from the truck to the hospital, she knew I was nervous which made her a bit uneasy as well. After we got checked in we had a very young doctor come in and examine Kyla the same way Dr. Hamel did a few hours ago. I looked at this young doctor, "So is there something wrong with her heart?" He told me he didn't know for sure what was wrong with her. I fired back, "Yes I know that you don't know for sure, that's not what I'm asking. Just by seeing what you are seeing right now and with the information we've given you...what do you think is wrong with her?" He just shook his head and told me to wait for the MRI to give me the answers I was looking for. UGH!
An hour later Bret and I are in another waiting room fixating on the giant fish tank wondering if our daughter was alright while she was getting her MRI taken. It was only twenty minutes later when an older doctor with an assistant came up to us. He looked at us, "Are you Kyla's parents?" Not being able to speak we both just shook our heads. He asked us to come with him into another room. My legs were shaking,
I don't know much about doctors and the lingo they use, but I know enough that when they ask you to go to another room it can only mean one thing....bad news.
He said, "Your daughter has been experiencing headaches because there is a high grade glioma tumor growing at the tip of her brain stem. Because of it's size the brain is trying to compensate for it which is causing massive swelling, which is in turn making her head hurt. Now, because of the glioma's size and placement it is unfortunately inoperable." Bret starts crying, as I look at the assistant in shock...she can only look at me with sorrow in her eyes. I look back at the doctor as he continues, "I'm very sorry but she isn't going to make it. You will most likely have only a few more months with her, if it stays the size that it is. If it grows any more, which it looks like it will, it could be as little as a few weeks. I'm very sorry...".
I put up my hand to stop him from speaking as I say, "Please stop....please....just wait a minute." I find myself not being able to breathe, I can't talk, I can't see straight. My vision is cloudy all of a sudden and I feel sick to my stomach. Bret grabs my hands and tells me he's sorry, "God, Brettie, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... it's Kyla... it's Kyla...I'm so sorry!"
Yes...June 20, 2005...a day that I will never forget.
right away. The last time I called about her headaches I was told to feed her more and make sure she takes in enough iron...this time I was determined for her to be seen. Her normal doctor, Dr. Barsotti, was not in so she had to see Dr. Hamel. I didn't really care who she saw at this point, I just wanted her seen. Her appointment was late enough in the day that I could still get my brakes fixed on the car, and make it for her softball game that started at 6:30pm. As my dad and I were driving back to my parents house after dropping the car off my mom called me; she was watching the girls for me. She told me Kyla needed to be seen sooner then 1pm, "Honey, I think you need to take her right now." I get off the phone and call the doctor's office right away and demand for her to be seen, they were great and got her in as soon as I could get her there. On my way I called Bret from my mom's car and let him know we were going in now.... he was gone from his office before we hung up the phone.
As we were in the little 4x6 room at the pediatricians office I looked at Bret who had fear in his eyes. Dr. Hamel had Kyla do a lot of tests..."Can you close your eyes and touch your nose? How about lifting your arms in the air?" She could do none of these things with her left side, but he told her she did great as he passed on a referral for us to go to Emanuel right away to get an MRI. When I wanted more answers from him all he could say is, "Go and get more tests done and then you will know more." Kyla wanted to ride with Bret in his truck, as I followed to Emanuel Children's Hospital. I carried Kyla for as long as I could from the truck to the hospital, she knew I was nervous which made her a bit uneasy as well. After we got checked in we had a very young doctor come in and examine Kyla the same way Dr. Hamel did a few hours ago. I looked at this young doctor, "So is there something wrong with her heart?" He told me he didn't know for sure what was wrong with her. I fired back, "Yes I know that you don't know for sure, that's not what I'm asking. Just by seeing what you are seeing right now and with the information we've given you...what do you think is wrong with her?" He just shook his head and told me to wait for the MRI to give me the answers I was looking for. UGH!
An hour later Bret and I are in another waiting room fixating on the giant fish tank wondering if our daughter was alright while she was getting her MRI taken. It was only twenty minutes later when an older doctor with an assistant came up to us. He looked at us, "Are you Kyla's parents?" Not being able to speak we both just shook our heads. He asked us to come with him into another room. My legs were shaking,
I don't know much about doctors and the lingo they use, but I know enough that when they ask you to go to another room it can only mean one thing....bad news.
He said, "Your daughter has been experiencing headaches because there is a high grade glioma tumor growing at the tip of her brain stem. Because of it's size the brain is trying to compensate for it which is causing massive swelling, which is in turn making her head hurt. Now, because of the glioma's size and placement it is unfortunately inoperable." Bret starts crying, as I look at the assistant in shock...she can only look at me with sorrow in her eyes. I look back at the doctor as he continues, "I'm very sorry but she isn't going to make it. You will most likely have only a few more months with her, if it stays the size that it is. If it grows any more, which it looks like it will, it could be as little as a few weeks. I'm very sorry...".
I put up my hand to stop him from speaking as I say, "Please stop....please....just wait a minute." I find myself not being able to breathe, I can't talk, I can't see straight. My vision is cloudy all of a sudden and I feel sick to my stomach. Bret grabs my hands and tells me he's sorry, "God, Brettie, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... it's Kyla... it's Kyla...I'm so sorry!"
Yes...June 20, 2005...a day that I will never forget.
posted by Brettie McCullough @ 12:29 AM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
you know this poem my daughter.
we love you.
bigger than the sky.
may you feel God's love dear child and your husband and those delicious grands.
love,
your momma and daddy
Brettie -
I too will never forget what I saw during that time.
I will never forget entering Kyla's hospital room and seeing the bravest family I have ever seen.
I will never forget Kyla drawing with her friend and adapting to picking up her left arm with her right to stabilize the paper.
I will never forget Kyla hugging Gloria.
I will never forget the fear and strength I saw in your eyes.
I will never forget Bret taking the call from Make a Wish.
I will never forget you taking a moment outside Kyla's room - too breathe before re-entering.
I will never forget giving you a hug (I think for one of the first times as adults) and telling you that I would help in anyway I could.
I will never forget the love of your family and your faith.
May God wrap his arms around each of you and hug you tight.
Love,
Samantha
Dear Bret and Brettie,
I'm sitting here and in the distance I hear fire works going off. I know that you have special memories of this time of the year. I know these are rough days ahead, and I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that you are daily remembered in our prayers!!! And always will be!
Blessings,
Lori
Brettie~
You are such an amazing writer. As I read your words, I feel as though I am in that office with you. I can't even imagine what it was like for you to hear those words.
Shannon Jones
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